On the evening of September 11, a small group of us (nine in all) met in this room to share our thoughts and feelings about what had happened that day, the never-to-be-forgotten day of the terrorist attacks on the U.S. We talked a little, and listened a little, lit some candles and sat together for a while in silence. Most of us there did not have family members in this immediate area, and our coming together fulfilled, at least partly, our need to be with family in times of crisis.

On my past couple of Sundays here, I've been speaking to you about various ways in which it can be helpful to see everyone in the world as part of our family. I spoke at Thanksgiving about hosting a guest at our table, by donating to the Food Bank, or to Child Haven, or to some other familiar agency, the cost of having one more person with us for the Thanksgiving meal. The person we host would, I suggested, be a member of our extended family, even though we might not know them, as we often don't know all our far-flung relatives. Last week, on United Nations Sunday, I spoke of how affirming our unity with all the peoples of the world through our common humanity can actually strengthen that relatedness and help to make the nations united.

Today, I want to recognize that as well as a sense of the human family, six billion strong, we also need to know that we have smaller, closer groups of people with whom we can relate as family members in the more intimate sense. One of the comments on the world situation that I've heard frequently from the most thoughtful and compassionate among us has been that it's too bad we don't recognize more often that thousands of people are dying of hunger and violence every day - in other parts of the world. Why did it take 6000 deaths in the U.S. to get our attention? they ask.

I think the question is helpful as it makes us reflect on our habitual blindness and deafness to the needs of the world, but I also think there's a reasonable answer. It's hardly possible to function as a human being if we feel the same grief and horror about the death of each person who dies on the other side of the world as we feel about the death of our child or parent or sibling. The terrorist attacks got our attention because they involved our relatively close family - not our nuclear family, but not the widest extended family, either. To make the distinction between intimate and public connections is, I think, essential for all but the very unusual Mother Teresa or Mohatma Gandhi among us. For most of us, at least some intimate connections are absolutely essential, and however much we try, rightly, to remember our relatedness to all human beings, there will always be a different quality of feelings about those people close to us.

Because of that need for intimacy, I think it may not be a bad guideline that whenever we engage in an outreach activity, it can be helpful to attend to our "in-reach" needs as well. It's been just over a year since I focused, in a Sunday service, on the possibility of initiating a programme of Small Group Ministry in our congregation. Now that we've had a positive resolution to the Welcoming Congregation programme, and have the rainbow symbol on our sign as evidence of our wish to reach out to a diversity of people, it's a good time, I think, to reach in as well - to reach for ways in which we can help our members and friends to feel intimately connected with one another even as we become more numerous and diverse.

Small Group Ministry, sometimes called Covenant Groups, or Circles of Friendship, has proved successful in many places in keeping a sense of intimacy and effective pastoral care -- care for one another -- as a congregation grows beyond the point at which everyone can know everyone else -- the point we're going to be at very soon, if we haven't passed it already! The general idea is for the congregation to form small groups of ten or so people who'll be able to relate to one another in a personal way that's not otherwise possible. It tries to recognize that one of the main reasons you come to Unitarian House is for a sense of community. Many of you come for other reasons as well, or even instead -- intellectual stimulation, perhaps, and small groups certainly could help with that need, too. Many of us who crave food for our minds find it most of all in discussion with others, and usually with not too large a crowd.

At this point, I want also to recognize that Small Group Ministry is actually happening here already, in the form of adult education and committee work and discussion groups and task forces and so on, and perhaps needs strengthening and encouraging and facilitating and expanding, and especially making more relational, more than it needs initiating. It's not something radically new to us; it's just something that we might usefully pay supportive attention to and try to enhance in a number of ways.

UU minister Rev. Glenn Turner, who's one of the people largely responsible for the growing commitment to small group ministry in our congregations, has suggested we benefit from exploring the question of why we, or anyone we know, decided to be part of a Unitarian Universalist congregation. We probably didn't join in order to be on the Property Committee, or to keep the books, or even to teach in the Religious Education programme. We most likely came in order to be with others in a search for truth, love and justice. When people are asked what they want in a congregation, these are the reasons they give:

religious community,
inspiration,
intellectual stimulation,
friends,
shared values, and
support in a spiritual journey.

We come together in our congregations, says Glenn Turner, "to enrich and enhance our lives with others, and to proclaim with our shared strength our vision and our mission". We begin with vision -- the collective expression of the hopes and yearnings of the people in the congregation. It includes our reasons for committing ourselves to attend and support the congregation. We have a vision of love, of social and economic justice, of the goodness that can be brought out in people. Then that's distilled into a mission, a statement that says what we're about as a religous community. (And yes, you're right - we'll be working on updating this congregation's mission statement soon.) Turner gives an example of a mission statement that fits into the context of small group ministry; here it is:

I believe that the mission of our Unitarian Universalist Congregation is to . . . minister to the hurts and hopes of those in our community, . . . seeking to bring other people who need our support into our congregation and into our lives.

Turner suggests that a mission statement like that points to our twin responsibility to those who are already members of our congregations and those who could benefit from knowing about us, and that our mission is about ministry to people's hurts and hopes as much as to their intellects.

He wants us to consciously attempt to break down our tendency toward like-minded elitism, with the race and class barriers which exist in most of our congregations. Turner points out that another name for Small Group Ministry is the "meta-church" concept. Meta means, simply, transforming. This kind of ministry brings about change and transformation, and it may be as well to keep in mind that not everyone necessarily wants change and transformation!

A spin-off effect of small group ministry, when it's done well, is that it nurtures community so successfully that the groups grow. So we have to deal with growth both as a reason for small group ministry and an effect of it! We start the small groups because we're growing, and we want to continue to grow but to stay intimate, too, - and we find that the small groups attract more people. Most Unitarian Universalist congregations -- and I think this one is not much different -- most seem to think of prospective growth as attracting just enough new people to pay the bills (which we can certainly relate to right now!) and maybe add a little more meeting room or parking space.

That usually translates into a goal of about 50 to 150 more members over about 5 or 10 years - not really very ambitious. The fear that goes along with even this limited prospect is about how we can successfully integrate and know new people. The fear is loss of community. How can we know each other the way we do now, or the way we used to, if we get much larger? The fears keep us small: two thirds of UU congregations are smaller than 150 members. (That's not just in Canada, but in the U.S. as well. I'd bet it's more like three-quarters in Canada.) But is there a way of growing that will avoid that loss of community? Turner, and many others now, believe that there is, in the concept of small groups.

Congregations seem to grow when most of the newcomers are integrated into one of the groups within the congregation. If there are few groups, other than committees, the choir and a few programmes (valuable though these are), it's hard to make friends. Roy Oswald, from the Alban Institute, an organization which does excellent research on many aspects of church life, says that you have to make six friends in the first six months or you won't stay in a congregation. Overall, seven out of nine people who come in the front door of a religious building to worship don't stay in the long term. The reverse is true for people who come into the congregation through small groups, such as for instance the Womynspirit Circle. There they meet and bond with others. There they are known and welcomed. There they are called by name.

Even in small congregations, where supposedly everyone is family, there are usually only a few strong relational groups, as distinct from functional groups, and newcomers have a hard time cracking them. It's not out of meanness. The members of these groups simply have all the friends they can handle. The problem is that they don't facilitate friendships for new people, and over time the new people leave.

Established members resist growing new groups because they don't want even more demands on their time. From the newcomers' point of view, you join to have your search and your integrity honoured and shared, and all there may be for you is a sermon, coffee hour, small-talk, and a job as a greeter or coffee-maker. If that's so, it's not what many people really want. The point is to value and take care of each other. If we do that well enough, we will bring in and keep new people, people we've reached, one by one, because we want them and they want us.

In one of the many congregational self-help books available, one by Kennon Callahan, called Twelve Keys to an Effective Church, the author describes the programmes offered in a congregation as functional rather than relational -- two words which I just mentioned without explaining what I meant. We might think that having adult education or adult enrichment programmes is what most enhances the community life of the congregation. Glenn Turner asks us to do some hard thinking about that. He refers to yet another writer, Carl George, who makes two key points about congregational activities. He says that relational groups focus on our lives, and that relational groups bigger than 10 people stop being relational in their impact. Many, or even most, of our programmes are functional, that is, they're focused on getting something done, or learning about something, although courses like Building Your Own Theology or Writing Your Spiritual Autobiography tend to be more relational.

I tend to think that what made "You Can Be a Hero" especially satisfying a year or two ago, and what makes the Womynspirit Circle enduring, and what makes the sharing parts of The New U more successful than the history or organizational parts, is that they're relational -- they focus on the lives of the people in them rather than on learning about something outside. Even the Choir, which might seem quite task-oriented, is probably most treasured for the sense of intimacy which comes about as people meet together week after week. If we offer mostly programmes which teach about something, instead of groups which help us to know one another better, the most valuable thing about a congregation -- its community -- may be lost.

So how might we restructure a congregation in order to provide the relational quality of spiritual development which UU people, like so many others, are looking for? We say we want inspiration, a religious community and spiritual growth. We want life-affirming worship. We want to be part of an intimate circle of friends. We want to nurture our own spiritual life. But among all our committees and activities, here in Waterloo as in most other Unitarian congregations until recently, we have relatively few groups which resemble spiritual relationship groups, in which the individual members share their experiences, reflect upon them and explore their individual journeys together. This is something we need to take seriously. Do we have enough relational groups here to meet your needs? It could be, and in many congregations it is coming about, that everyone wants and expects to be in a relational group. It would simply be what the congregation does, just as it does Sunday services.

Programmes which educate us about something outside our lives, however worthy those programmes and that education may be, appeal to our identity as well-educated, curious, seekers after the truth. They do meet needs, but if they are the major focus of the congregation, they have the potential for intellectual elitism, which Small Group Ministry does not. This more intimate kind of ministry taps into the caring aspect of our nature. It puts our intellect at the service of each other and of humanity. Small relational groups have the potential to address our own hurts and hopes and those of the people around us. Catholics, Muslims, Pentecostals, Baptists, all share this same concern. But as Unitarians we have our own theological uniqueness to bring to bear on it.

Our lack of certainty or absolutism about even our own answers to life's questions helps us empathize with the concerns of others. Glenn Turner, who grew up as a Universalist, recalls that when he came to the conclusion that there was no literal heaven for all the people we hoped would end up there, he realized it's up to us to help people in this life whose lives would be hell without our intervention. That "help" is ministry, especially relational ministry, Small Group Ministry.

The power of this kind of ministry is marvellous, but it calls for the learning of a few basic skills. It takes the experience of being in a group and learning from it. It may also take the overcoming of some resistance in the congregation. Many people are excited about the possibilities when they hear about them. They feel it would give them what they're looking for, that this kind of community is what they've been hoping for, sometimes without realizing it. But there are some people who see it as leading to a different kind of congregation than the one they joined. It asks more of them personally and it may seem threatening. It's one thing to share ideas, another to share your life! One thing to debate another person's theories, another to respond to their soul.

Then, there's the question of time, and the persistent idea that people don't have enough of it any more, that there are too few people for too many jobs. This may have to do with the unrewarding nature of most of the jobs. Struggling for institutional survival saps energy. When we're not getting what we came for (spiritual inspiration, community, religious growth) then what we do in the service of the congregation is tiring. But being fed, spiritually and relationally, is energizing. When things are going well, people somehow have time and energy to participate, because in their participation they're being nurtured.

Most of us would probably agree that the sharing of "Joys and Sorrows" is an important part of our Sunday services. A few seconds each, a few minutes altogether -- that's all the time for the sharing which we hope is picked up by a friend or the Minister for further elaboration. Or perhaps, once heard, the joy or sorrow is forgotten. In Small Group Ministry, a large part of any meeting is taken up with sharing what's going on in one's life. The group's focus in on the stuff of our lives: births, relationships, work, death, our passions and concerns. When a group member is sick, the group send cards, call, visit at the hospital, take food. This is the group of people who will hear us and reflect with us and share their wisdom.

Some of you remember the "extended families" which arose in many congregations and fellowship in the 60s and 70s. They spoke to our need for relationships and connection in a highly mobile society. But despite the dinners and outings and social gatherings, the extended families usually didn't structure any consistent opportunity to explore life in any depth. Small Group Ministry, on the other hand, structures and nurtures caring relationships in a group of manageable size. It's not a class. It's not systematic learning, but it provides an ongoing opportunity for us to explore life issues in a religious context. It fits beautifully with our Principles and Purposes.

The very nature of the small group process affirms the worth and dignity of each of its members. It's about justice, equity and compassion in the way it invites in the people who are not now guests at anyone's table and sees its members as family. It's clearly about the third Principle -- acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth. It's the setting for a free and responsible search for truth and meaning. The right of conscience is always underscored, and it's democratic to the core. It's probably unrealistic to expect that undertaking Small Group Ministry will usher in a world community with peace, liberty and justice for all, but it may help us move a little further in that direction. Depending on what materials are discussed, it could also foster respect for the interdependent web of life. It can lead, overall, to a fuller flowering of our Principles and Purposes.

Above all, Small Group Ministry is not a one-shot course; it's a continuing conversation of people who come to know, trust and care for each other. It's what community is all about, and so I commend it to you. If any of you are going to the denominational Cluster Meeting in Guelph on November 17, I hope you'll take in the workshop on Small Group Ministry led by Linda Hicks, a superb facilitator and a member of the Hamilton Congregation which has recently begun what they call Friendship Circles. Participate in the workshop, come back with your ideas, and let me know that you'd like to be part of the group which gets this form of ministry off the ground here in our congregation. I hope we'll have a meeting in late November to get going. It won't be a Committee Meeting; it will be a small group of caring people, very much like the other groups we hope to initiate. I hope as many of you as possible will be part of bringing about a new sense of being many small families within the congregation and within the ultimate circle of the one big, human family. So may it be.